Wow. What does that mean? Well, March is going to be a big month this year for us. We will be meeting our daughter, June, sometime this month. This month will change all of our lives forever. Wow.
At 36 weeks into my pregnancy with Lincoln I was a mass of emotions; anxiety, fear, and impatience were some of the big ones...but overwhelmingly I felt anticipation and excitement. I could not wait to meet the little boy that we had been dreaming of since we began trying to get pregnant almost 2 years prior. Life has a way of becoming more complicated than we anticipated. And now, about 20 months after Lincoln's birth, the final days of this pregnancy are rushing past. And again, I am a mass of emotions; anxiety, anticipation, excitement are some of them, sorrow and guilt are a few more...but overwhelmingly this time I feel fear.
Can I just say that I am terrified? I AM TERRIFIED! For so many reasons. People have said to me throughout this entire pregnancy...
"Wow, so soon?"
"It is gonna be so hard!"
"Life will never be the same."
"How are you gonna handle Lincoln and a new baby?" And the one that bothers me the most
..."Poor Lincoln, he doesn't know what is coming." While all of these comments may be true. They do absolutely nothing to build my confidence as a mother, and the main caretaker of my children.
My answers to these questions have always been;
"Yes, so soon. We have always wanted our children close together, and despite Lincoln's condition, we didn't feel that we should let that drastically change our basic life plans."
"Yes, it is gonna be hard. It would be hard to add another child when Lincoln is older as well. Maybe he will be young enough at this point that it won't be too emotionally traumatic for him. I hope that we can manage."
"Yes, life will never be the same. When is it when you add a child...be it your first or 10th?"
"I don't know how I will handle Lincoln and the new baby. I guess we will just make do. I do know that I am not the only woman on earth to survive and do well at raising 2 young children, even if one of them has special needs and medical issues."
"Yes, I know that Lincoln has no idea what is going to happen to his life in a matter of weeks. I feel terrible guilt and sorrow that he will no longer be my one and only focus in life. But I hope with my whole being that eventually Lincoln and June will develop a special sibling relationship, that they are able to love each other, and learn from each other. That is why we are having another child so close together...not just for us, but for him as well."I have been telling myself these things for 9 months now. Many times I had completely convinced myself of their truth. But now, as D-day approaches all of my (and other's) doubts have been growing stronger.
Honestly, I am so afriad that I
can't do it!
I worry that I won't be able to get the support I need from others when I need it.
I also worry that everyone will say "
I told you so" when we have hard days, undermining my confidence even further.
I am scared that by adding another child, instead of bringing our family closer together, and June being a great pal and companion for Lincoln as we hope, it will instead be the dumbest and worst decision we have ever made, for us, and for them.
I am absolutely terrified that life will throw us another curveball, and it will tear us all apart.
But mostly, I am terrified that both of them will suffer because I am not a good enough mother, a good enough organizer, a good enough teacher, a good enough homemaker, a good enough...whatever else is expected of me.
